vendredi 22 juillet 2011

bonnet





Considérant que ma gorge avait besoin d'un soutien tout neuf, j'entrai dans une pimpante échoppe de la rue Clignancourt. Nous étions dans les derniers jours du festival de prix raisonnables. Des pancartes s'affolaient au-dessus de vracs multicolores. Cinquante pour cent ! Derniers jours ! Tout à quatre euros soixante-neuf ! Mes mains empoignèrent derechef des tuniques entremêlées tandis que mes yeux roulaient vers d'autres horizons baignés d'étiquettes "nouvelle collection" (traduisez "prix élevé" en langage marchand). Stoïque, mon cerveau me signalait l'objet premier de ma venue avant de se laisser à nouveau dérouter par l'abondance. Après malaxage des stocks, je revins à ma quête.


Ils étaient là. Des pans entiers de confections dédiées au confort des poitrines se dressaient autour de moi, telles des rangées de boîtes à œufs portant petits nœuds et satin. Placardés sur toute la surface des murs, des tissus pointaient de leurs bonnets les clients surmenés en affichant une ferme convexité. Thermoformés, ourlés de baleines métalliques ou doublés de coussinets, les ingéniosités techniques dernier cri convergeaient toutes vers un idéal. Pas deux. Je reçus la nouvelle par cette évidence visuelle : le sein se porte à la hauteur x, décrit la courbe y et répond au calibre z. L'uniforme était là, fourré sous des matières et frous-frous travaillant à l'illusion d'une joyeuse diversité. 

Décidée à snober les bataillons de coques jumelles, je concentrai mes recherches sur les rares modèles en tissu libre de tout rempart normalisant.  Je dus bien vite quérir l'aide d'un vendeuse. Celle-ci m'indiqua l'emplacement de l'étiquette utile (celle qui n'est jamais visible) : sur chaque modèle était signalé l'ensemble des tailles disponibles, afin d'éviter l'épluchage systématique du rayon. 

Le croirez-vous ? Les bonnets destinés aux seins de petite taille - dits A - étaient introuvables sur les modèles non fortifiés. Il ne manquerait plus que nous exhibions fièrement notre lacune mammaire. A l'inverse, les bonnets D n'existaient pas dans les multiples créations au garde-à-vous. Nous n'allons pas non plus renforcer sans vergogne un débordement déjà inconséquent, non mais hé. Nous voilà donc priées d'arborer le juste nibard, qui n'est ni barre ni poire, ni pois ni pointe, ni poids ni poing. Point.

35 commentaires:

  1. On devrait faire un rayon "taille de la main d'un honnête homme"... taille extensible, forcément...

    Hauts les coeurs! :-)

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  2. Ah ça, pour être hauts... Résultat des courses : c'est pas un soutif que j'ai dégoté, c'est un présentoir à revues pour adulte...

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  3. ce billet manque de photos, c'est dommage on aurait pu aider je suis sûr :)

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  4. C'est adorable de proposer ton aide, vraiment, mais ça va aller :)

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  5. Le bonnet ferait perdre la tête ?

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